If We Can't Fight Fair, I Don't Want the Relationship

Some fights lead to resolution. Others only break you. I'm done with the second kind

Three months ago, I ended a friendship of 27 years, and I am yet to feel bad about it.

You see, after I left my abusive ex, I think I have started to become less tolerant of many things. When my ex talked to me, he used to go — fool, stupid, idiot. And, he never failed to remind me, often unprompted, that, “I don’t give a damn about you”.

Until I left Nigeria, I thought that would be my life because I still cared about him. But, living in the US, working and taking care of my two girls, I have just become more focused on ensuring that I am healthy — physically, mentally, and emotionally, so I am always able to take care of my children.

When my ex feels like fighting, I remember that my daughter is watching and she is going to ask, “Mummy, why are you fighting?”. She will ask me. No one else. And knowing that he will resort to calling me, fool, an idiot, and whatever else, and that my daughter will hear all that, I choose not to let him get under my skin.

So, I don’t fight with my ex — anymore. When he acts up, I imagine a mosquito that I know is flying around and being annoying. It might persist momentarily but eventually, I always find a way to smack it down. Eventually.

And so it was with my friend. We met in Nigeria when her parents sent her over for secondary school education. She is a fantastic friend when she is on her medication. When she isn’t…when she refuses her medication, her nearest and dearest get to feel the full weight of putting up with manic bipolar disorder.

Off her medication, my friend treats me just like my ex used to — she would send me provocative messages about how my children needed both parents. How I was an arrogant nobody who thinks I can make it in America as a single mom, and how my daughters were mannerless and on their way to becoming delinquents.

Yes, my best friend.

The first time she did this, I warned her that there would not be a second time.

I told my friend that I can fight with her if we fight fair. Fair means that we do not get verbally abusive. We do not insult our kids or each other. We do not throw anyone’s insecurities in their face. We fight respectfully and in that way, we can get a resolution. A fight that just insults and demeans one another cannot have a resolution and so, what is the point to it?

“Okwy, you were being condescending towards me earlier when you said, A or B” is a conversation that can be had.

“Okwy, you are a foolish, stupid, arrogant…(insert flavour) of B****” Nope. Nahh. We done.

She listened. She agreed. She was sorry. But my former friend did it again, and I followed through. I blocked her on everything, but not before warning her that if she ever darkened my doorsteps, I would call the police on her for a threat to life.

So far, she has respected my choice.

Without setting about to, I have found that I have become more intentional about what I act on, the people I let in my space, and what I react to.

At first, it was about ensuring that my daughters grow up understanding the difference between basic self-respect, boundaries, and healthy relationships. Then it became about protecting my peace. Now it is about living my best life, unapologetically.

So yes, I still fight with my friends and my family. In these fights, it is fighting upwards, towards a fair resolution. When we fight in our relationships, it is us against the situation we want to resolve. It isn’t you or I’s head on a chopping block or you or I under a microscope.

No.

I am staying away from fights that demean and abuse because there is no resolution to be had. Those who fight to abuse and demean do not want a resolution. They want to keep disrespecting you as a human, and that is not the life for me anymore.